Happy Anniversary to my wife!

Four years ago today, my wife and I stood before friends and family and exchanged wedding vows. It was the summer of love, less than a month before the election that passed Prop8. Marriage continues to enrich our every moment together. I'm so grateful I am married. I want anyone who is ready to make that commitment, to have the right to do so. That's why I'm here.

The Commitment of Marriage

USA Today has a story describing a new, bipartisan movement towards marriage equality that stresses commitment rather than benefits:

A group of high-profile Democrats and Republicans who back legalizing gay marriage are calling on advocates to shift the focus on the issue from an argument about equal rights to promoting the value of commitment.….

Advocates have long made the case that legalizing marriage for gays and lesbians is a matter of equality, but those who frame the issue that way might be reinforcing a belief among many Americans in the middle on the issue that gays and lesbians want to marry for different reasons than straight couples, according to polling ....

I think this is a smart move.

There is a small slice of the population in the middle that is the swing vote on equality. Prior to Prop8, they were pretty friendly, until the opposition ran their campaign telling lies about teaching children gay sex. The moveable middle panicked, and Prop8 passed. I don't think they really realized what harm they did, because they figured gay couples had domestic partnerships, not realizing that they aren't the same, are not recognized the same, and are treated as inferior.  (BP and I never got a DP,  because, well, it's not marriage!)

Right now, thanks to DOMA (the mis-named Defense of Marriage Act), BP and I do not obtain any of the numerous federal benefits of marriage. We actually accrue significant disadvantage, such as having to do taxes twice, because the state recognizes us but the fed does not. We aren't on each other's medical plans, because that would be treated as a directly taxable benefit that would cost more than it saves. We have to pay an attorney to set up trusts and so forth, since because of DOMA, we are legally strangers on the street when it comes to inheritance and so on.

So what DOES marriage net us,since doesn't net us any of the typical benefits?

Oh, wow. It's everything. 

Every morning I wake up and feel blessed that I am united in marriage with my beloved. That we have made the permanent, joyful commitment to one another, in joy and pain, in sickness and health, till death us do part. I may not yet get any of the legal benefits of marriage, but I wouldn't change for the world the FACT of being married, of looking at that ring on my finger and knowing what it represents. 

In her recent blogpost, Susan Russell describes values that make up a marriage:

values that transcend the gender and sexual orientation of the couple. Values like fidelity, monogamy, mutual affection and respect, careful, honest communication, and love -- the values that we in the Episcopal Church have held up as the standards we hold for relationships blessed by our church.

Yup, that's what the values of marriage are. Legal benefits? Sure, we'd like them in all fairness, but they aren't anything next to the experience of standing before friends and family and publicly vowing to uphold those values. I wouldn't exchange for the world the experience of being married, which I blogged for you 3 years ago.

BP reminded me recently that it wasn't till the summer after Prop8 passed when the CA Supreme Court decided that our marriage would NOT be annulled. Can you imagine what that felt like?  The sword of Damocles had nothing on it!

So virtually on the blogs, and in real life, we advocate for marriage. And person by person, we explain all of this. For example, this last weekend we were at a birthday party for a friend, and met a charming older gentleman. "How do you know R.?" he asked, and we explained that we had met R and his partner at church. As we are wont to do, we exclaimed over the welcome we have felt in the Episcopal church, and as the conversation moved on we mentioned that we were married, and that our marriage had been blessed there.

Turns out the charming older gentleman was a retired Roman Catholic priest. He was friendly (as I suspect many priests really are--it's the Bishops who are the problem), and admitted to a certain fascination with us. You see, he's not from California, and had not met a legally married gay couple before. He quizzed us, gently, on our marriage and our blessing and we responded much as I have here. This clearly delighted the gentleman, and we enjoyed chatting (and dancing!) with him during the evening. And he will take his experience of us back to his unfriendly state, and be able to witness in turn as to what married gay couples are really like.

Making a Commitment.

Living those Values.

That's why we are married. That's the right every couple should have. And that's why I make that witness.

Claiming the blessing

Many of you followed me here from my other blog and know all about this, but for those who haven't, I want to tell you a story.

Too often LGBT people, attacked and injured by conservatives and fundamentalists, see religion as their enemy. This is because those opposed to equality and justice for all often coat their bias with a cloak of religion, particularly Christianity. But it isn't religion, or Christianity, that's the enemy of love. It's those who misuse it, through their fear, or ignorance, or hatred.

So while we endure the right wing claiming the mantle of "Christian", there are many, many Christians who welcome their LGBT brothers and sisters,and work tirelessly to change their churches to do the same. These folks aren't giving us a free pass; they want LGBT people to be called to the same standards and expectation they have for straight people -- a call to enter at the strait gate, so to speak.

Although I'm not a believer, my wife is quite devout. She left the Roman Catholicism of her youth to join the Episcopal church, which in core doctrine is almost indistinguishable. The Episcopal Church (TEC) has come a long way, although like any institution, it moves slowly in mandating nation-wide recognition for LGBT couples. Still, TEC is known for two openly gay and partnered bishops (as well as numerous clergy), and in many cases, generous local options for same sex couples, at the discretion of their bishops. So in many Dioceses where marriage equality is the law of the land, those Episcopal bishops will allow you to be married in church. Others may not perform the actual marriage, but will perform a blessing.

In parts of Europe, of course, civil marriage is …uh, divorced, if you will ;-) from religious recognition. So there's nothing new in having the civil celebration separated from a religious blessing.

Last summer, our local Bishop gave permission to our parish to bless faithfully partnered same sex couples. We went through the process, which included obligatory counseling, copies of our marriage license, and letters to the Bishop seeking his approval, which he gave. So, today, my wife and I will have our marriage blessed in the church community in a special mass with our friends and family.

Not a gay marriage. Not a same-sex marriage. Just a marriage, like any other marriage, now with the added expectations of a religious community. As it should be.

Next time someone tries to tell you that "Christians" are all opposed to equality, remember this.

And don't be afraid to claim the blessing.

Theological resources for fighting the anti-gay Christians 1) From the Episcopal Church, "Doing the Theology": Claiming the Blessing To Set our Hopes on Christ Same sex relationships in the life of the church Holiness in relationships 2) Dealing with the Bible arguments: What the Bible says, and doesn't say, about same sex relationships (From Soulforce) From Bishop Gene Robinson: What the Bible says: reading the texts of terror Part 1 Part 2 (Leviticus) Part 3 (Sodom and Gomorrah) Part 4 (New Testament, Romans) Part 5 (Corinthians, Timothy) 3) The book, Reasonable and Holy: engaging same sexuality, by the Rev. Tobias Haller, BSG

Happy anniversary to my dear wife!

Aristotle wrote: Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

Today is our 2nd wedding anniversary. We will open a bottle of champagne and have a lovely dinner, to celebrate that most Happy Day, that gives us a lifetime of happy days.

IT's story, 2: Reflections on being married

When we got married in October 2008, it caused us to reflect on why it was so important, and why it felt so different. Of course, it has not changed what we mean to each other. I have loved my beloved partner-spouse for many years with every part of my being, nothing different there.

But what HAS changed is something of our view of our relationship. We were rather surprised to find that we both felt this change.

First, of course, there is the weight of the State. (This became particularly apparent with some minor issues regarding the proper filing of the license). We are legally tied together with the ponderous ropes of officialdom. Yes, that is a difference; not that we ever took our relationship casually, but it is something much more weighty than an informal agreement between two women--not just a private leap over a broomstick, but real in every official sense with its rights and also its responsibilities. The visit in advance to apply for the license...the interview....the submission. A lot different than a $10 notarized Domestic Partner form, which by comparison seems more like a dog license. (If it is the same thing, legally speaking, why is it treated so differently?)

Second, there is the amazing feature of standing before family and friends and making our vows in public. That was stunning, really, truly stunning. We were both blown away by the love and focus of those around us, reaching their hands to us, robustly and vocally offering their support of us as a couple. What an amazing feeling!

Third, there is the sense of belonging to the tapestry of community. As a lesbian couple, we have often felt unwanted and on the outside, but now we are undeniably part of the whole. We now are a new thread in this fabric, another married couple contributing to its strength and texture.

Finally, we were struck by how, well, very normal this all was as an event. It was a pretty typical wedding, with tears of joy and laughter, food, wine and celebration. Nothing made this a "gay" wedding. It was simply a wedding, of two people who love each other completely, gathered to unite in a shared life together.

Yes, it matters. It makes a huge difference.

Originally posted at Friends of Jake

The Day of Decision is Tuesday, May 26th. BE THERE!

IT's story

In October 2008, my Beloved Partner (BP) and I were married. I can honestly say it was the most joyful day of my 46 years. Unfortunately, November 4th came far too soon, and that was my saddest.

BP and I have been together for many years. Truthfully, she is the light of my life. We're pretty typical of any other married couple. Our day to day is about work (I am a college professor, BP a senior administrator) and the regular stuff of real life, like cleaning the house, or working on the garden, rather than about politics or advocacy. We live a boring suburban life in a nice neighborhood. We like to go to the theatre and go hiking. We don't look any different from any other vaguely-earth-mothery professional women of middle years. We "pass". But now we find ourselves thrust into an advocacy role.

Like many in our position, BP was married previously. She has two children, and she and her Ex divorced when she came out. Divorce is always painful, but everyone came through it in the end, and BP is still extremely close to Ex who is a fine man. The kids, now in their late teens, handled it all remarkably gracefully. Indeed, when she was still in school, the oldest used our relationship as a test of sorts. "If people have a problem that my mom is gay," she explained, "they aren't really my kind of people." The children have been the center of our lives; I'm not a typical step-parent, because both their mom and dad are both present and very involved. In fact, it would be possible for an outsider interacting with our family at the PTA or a soccer game not to realize that BP and Ex are divorced.

Before BP, I was all about the career and was a very lonely person. When BP came into my life, it's as though I suddenly could see in color, instead of shades of grey. My parents and family have all been incredibly supportive of my middle-aged coming out and have welcomed BP with open arms.

Our wedding brought everyone together and the kids and Ex as well as my siblings were all active participants. ( I'll write more about our wedding in another post). The arguments against our marriage are so frusturating, and based entirely on a mistaken idea of who we are and what it means to us.

First, of course, we have kids too! Marriage helps protect BP and the kids if something were to happen to me, or vice versa. The absence of same-sex marriage is not going to change the fact that many gay people are raising families, and doing a very good job of it.

Additionally, we're also frustrated by the religion question. BP, who is Roman Catholic, did not ask, and did not expect, her church to marry us. But she had hoped for at least a truce. Instead, the vitriol from some of the Catholics and the hurtful rejection of her secular, civil rights as a gay person has sent her away from her childhood church. But she has found an explicit welcome at the Episcopal church (which I've described elsewhere), where we as a lesbian married couple are actually wanted and affirmed. We'll explore more of the religion questions on this blog later.

Meanwhile, I've written a lot more about our experiences on the group blog Friends of Jake. Additionally I will re-post some of my previous posts from Friends on this blog as we go along.

Do you have a story to tell, about what it means to be gay and married? Let me know in the comments, and I will turn it into a post.